I think it's time I finally put the final nail in the coffin. Footprints is officially my final deviation. Don't take what I'm about to say in the wrong sense... Art is my life and my career, but I just don't see myself going anywhere with you, dA. For sake of my own creative security I'll be turning watermarks onto all of my deviations and leaving them up with comments turned off. I know people have downloaded my work from here and I'd like to make sure that if anybody cares to flatter me by winning some contest with one of my creations, I have the evidence that it belongs to me.

Here's my last journal and my last word on this website. It's truly been a pleasure being apart of this place and watching it build up from the dark depths of the web into one of the biggest art galleries on the internet. DivineNightmare, however, is my own naivete and childishness that I'd like to get away from. I'm not a username and I'm not looking to be an internet sensation. My name is Anthony and I'm an artist. That's what my degree in progress will tell you and that's what I'm saying here. No more kiddie gloves, friends. It's time to get serious and really go after my dream.

I wish all the people that have watched me and appreciated my work the best wishes and I know that their abilities will take them to where ever they want to go if they keep at it and truly believe. I still do and that's the one point that I'll never grow up from. People, experiences, sensations... they all come and go, but dreams are forever, as cheesy as that might sound. As long as humans are human, dreams will remain such.

Mirror in the sky, what is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life, oh

If you're an outsider like me you'll know where I'm coming from with this next one, and I want it to resonate more than anything I've ever said that's had meaning to me... I want it to signify the new beginning that is before me. The new life that I'm breaking into. Two simple words can tell it all to anybody that's reading...

Stay Gold

-DivineNightmare/Anthony

P.S. Keep a look out for me out there in the real world... The best is always yet to come, my friends. Farewell.

A friend of mine was to another buddy that I have and they were arguing over something or another. It wasn't relevant to me so I wasn't paying so much attention to the topic, but the first friend said something that just rang in my head so truly and applicable to so much... "I understand what you're saying and I can follow your logic perfectly. It all makes sense, but I still completely disagree."

So let me word it myself... Agreement and compassion is reserved for those that aren't full of shit. Well, of course that's a given when you put it in straight up words like that, but for some reason it fails to apply to the world at large. People seem to think that enough guilt for their bullshit completely absolves them of everything and they're entitled to regain entrance to their former reputation. What this is... is just more bullshit. And bullshit, incidentally, does not take back bullshit. No, no... bullshit just continues to pile until you're faced with an entire mountain of bullshit and your concept of righteousness and respect is so diluted that you can't even exist outside of your own fantasy world that is so thickly coated with hot, stinky bullshit.

The only way to clean up bullshit is to pick it up and throw it away and then disinfect the area. Meaning, it takes a true adherence to new policy outside your ideas of bullshit and then from there you have to make things okay for the long run. You have to live by those new ideas and show true commitment. Independence is key in this. Independence seems to be a virtue that very few human beings value anymore. It's all about instant gratification and making people believe you've got the worst case scenario so you can get that gratification before everybody else. In other words, bullshit. Senseless gratification that only destroys the individual... slowly rotting it away from the inside... Crippling whatever soul humanity that might have been possessed and forcing that person to a life of standing on crutches and looking for a new one ahead of time in case the current crutch breaks.

It's pathetic. People are pathetic. I don't think you have to be a productive member of humanity, but for the love of god, don't dilute and break down community for your own selfish, stuck up gratification that you don't even deserve. That's all people really care about though... Getting what they want, when they want it. Corporate empires have been built on these ideas and political organizations have been able to exploit these weaknesses (weaknesses, in my opinion), trading you a bit of convenience for a bit of independence and freedom.

That's our world of bullshit. That's a degree of bullshit that reflects off the majority of facets in our society... whether it be the individual or organization. A damn shame, isn't it? One of my favourite morals from any movie I've ever seen... "Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'." Those that sell their soul to their society for sake of convenience and gratification... all they're doing is dying. All they're doing is senselessly pinching pennies and amassing "stuff" at a rapid rate while their bodies slowly die.

The people that man up, take care of business, and move on for the next experience... They are the ones that are truly living.

None of this is about any single situation. What this revolves around are the many situations I see that involve so many people. I know people personally and I've seen people otherwise. You get what you deserve in life. Not everything happens for a reason and you can't count on karma do anything for you. Believing otherwise is detrimental to your own wellbeing. It's making believe that your actions are out of your own hands and some invisible hand is going to guide you down the right path. It's taking no blame and believing that living day to day is the pathway to some sort of fabricated destiny. More bullshit really. Create your own goddam destiny and give up passive aggression. If you want something go for it. If you're not willing to get off your ass and earn a clean slate or respectable reputation, then you don't deserve it. Plain and simple.

This message brought to you by....
...DivineNightmare... The ORIGINAL DivineNightmare...

DN/FN/ACD

Ludo is a band from St. Louis, my hometown. Also, it's April 12th.

Love me cancerously
Like a salt-sore soaked in the sea.
'High-maintenance' means
You're a gluttonous queen
NARCISSISTIC AND MEAN.
Kill me romantically
Fill my soul with vomit
Then ask me for a piece of gum.
BITTER AND DUMB
You're my sugarplum.
You're awful, I love you!

She moves through moonbeams slowly
She knows just how to hold me
And when her edges soften
Her body is my coffin
I know she drains me slowly
She wears me down to bones in bed
Must be the sign on my head
That says, oh...!
...LOVE ME DEAD! LOVE ME DEAD!

You're a faith-healer on T.V.
You're an office park without any trees
Corporate and cold
Gushing for gold
LEAVE ME ALONE.
You suck so passionately
You're a parasitic psycho, filthy creature
Finger-bangin' my heart
You call me up drunk
Does the fun ever start?
You're hideous and sexy!

She moves through moonbeams slowly
She knows just how to hold me
And when her edges soften
Her body is my coffin
I know she drains me slowly
She wears me down to bones in bed
Must be the sign on my head
That says, oh...!
LOVE ME DEAD! LOVE ME DEAD!

Love me cancerously
*whistle*
Bra da dada da da
Bra da dada da da

How's your new Boy?
Does he know about me?
You've got the mark of the Beast
You're born of a JACKAL!!! You're beautiful!

She moves through moonbeams slowly
She knows just how to hold me
And when her edges soften
Her body is my coffin
I know she drains me slowly
She wears me down to bones in bed
Rip off the sign on my head
That says, oh...!
LOVE ME DEAD!!!! LOVE ME DEAD!!!

Really, these feelings are so six months ago, but I had to acknowledge the date. Have a good one, ladies and gentlemen.

And it's just so extremely frustrating that sometimes I have to lose my temper. Isn't it silly when every little aspect of everything is a climax? Kinda takes the legit drama and wonder out of life if you ask me.

Anyway, back to school again, my friends. This is gunna be a... very busy semester. Well, at least more so than last. I'm taking another wack at fiction writing (I dropped it last semester due to some personal issues making the work load unmanageable). I've also got a design class and of course more drawing and photography. Not to mention my online non western civilization course.

Really, it means a variety of kinds of artwork from me though. I'm kind of planning a series in my design class. I've wanted to do a nature project for awhile now so I think I'm gunna get started on one with mushrooms being my main subject matter. They're unusual little things.

I've got a mixed media idea, so it's all good. I'm excited to get going. That aside, my only photography class this semester is actually all darkroom. So my Nikon likely won't be seeing a lot of work this semester. We're goin film. Bear with me folks. I'm still alive.

-Ant

So here I am again, la la la. RIGHT as the semester is winding down because I'm just smooth like that. I have a few tidbits of awesomeness to present to the class (you guys). The most major of which is that it's the end of the year for UMSL and you know what that means for the Gallery Visio? OUT WITH THE OLD AND IN WITH THE NEW! I'm putting in an application to get an exhibit here on campus in the art gallery and beyond that! All the universities around here are altering things up and in need of new artwork. Not to mention the other plethora of galleries outside the student world. St. Louis is a wonderful city. Ste. Gen is fantastic as well. Lots of galleries and lots of opportunity. I'll keep people up to date on that stuff.

I guess the other tidbit of news would be that I joined the Marijuana Policy Project and I'm thinkin about starting a chapter for the SSDP here at UMSL. I'm in college for fuck's sake... why haven't I been protesting shit recently? Ahhh... takes me back to the good ole days... posing with anonymous outside the University City church of scientology.

I'll be in and out of this place for awhile, methinks. I've gotten extremely bored of the internet and I'm online on a regular basis as I used to be. Even my facebook activity is dwindling... At any rate, that's all I've got for now folks. I like talking about new and exciting things.

-ANT

Soooo.... how're you? Yes, here's a more vivid update for the two or three people here that care and actually read my journals... I think seeing as this place is really just an outlet for my artwork, I'll mention where I'm going artwise to begin here. of course I'm going to school. University of Missouri in St. Louis to be exact. I'm majoring in studio art with an emphasis in photography and I'm considering minoring in film making or directing. To do THAT, however... well, I think I'll try to transfer to Webster University in St. Louis as it's more art centric. UMSL is kind of a general university, you know? Webster is a tiny campus in a nice part of the city that caters to art and music and everything I'd rather immerse myself in (as opposed to baseball).

I've been putting my camera to good work and I'm gunna start putting a needle to good work. That's right, I'm starting some efforts in the tattoo business. My friend, Teejay, and myself are looking into putting a website together to kind of mesh my photography and his tattoo work all in one and we're sort of bleeding into each others' hobbies... So, I'm gunna get my ass out there and start doing some tattoo stuff and eventually get my license. It's apparently pretty easy to get ahold of down here at the health center. So, I'll see what I can do and keep people posted on that. Perhaps start doing commissions for those that might be interested in my work. I don't plan on it being my main hobby here... I'm just kind of going to do it off to the side for fun, you know?

Photography wise I'm doing very well, I think. My instructor thinks my work in phenomenal and I feel like I'm improving on a decent basis. My style is still fairly abstract at the core, but I'm starting to expand into realms... More recently you can see some portraits I've posted up around here. In addition to photography, however, I'm also getting into movie making! Yep, I'm just all over the place. Have some connections to a moderate budget movie being filmed down here and apparently I'm gunna get to meet the director sometime soon and let him fill me in on what he's got goin on. I'll also keep the masses up to date on that. I'm so excited for it though. I would love to get into the movie business. Write, direct, anything, really. Should be a good time.

My musical endeavours are kind of hold right now, but I am looking into getting a balalaika and jamming on that for a bit until I can get the time and money for lessons. That's farther down the road though. Overall, things are pretty good. I'm content with life, still dealing with a bit of depression... but even that is mostly being handled with a bit of outside help. My life is a bit more fast paced than it's been before and my thoughts are as jumbled as ever... but I've got a far clearer perception for who I am and where I'm going. I'm a great guy after all, correct? ;]

Everybody keep in touch. As Frank Sinatra so eloquently put it... the best is yet to come!

-Anthony

Well, Amber, you got me. You better keep gettin out there and takin shots though, get it? ;]

To fill people in, made a deal with Amber (rainboo) that I'd stop throwing my little hissy fit and come back to dA if she started putting up new work again, because it's been awhile. Well, she kept up her end of the bargain so here I am. I actually do have a handful of new shots to put up myself, but I'm down visiting my family for the weekend and all my work in on my computer at my apartment. So Sunday or monday night I'll be all over it. I've got some catching up to do anyway. This journal is just a place holder. I'll give a more formal hello to everybody when I get the time. <3

I think I'm going to just make it official... That I'm leaving deviantart and that's that. I stuck with it for a lot of benefit but it was only partially for me. I'll be cleaning out my gallery and shutting things down sometime today (after or between classes). I regret a lot of the past two years of my life. If I could go back and change things I very well might, because in the end there is no real respect. History doesn't matter anymore and silence is the only answer. This chapter is over... But rather than beginning a new right away I'm putting the book down for awhile and taking a real break. No commitments, no love, no nothing. I can't commit when I can't trust anybody's sincerity anymore. I don't believe anybody is truly sincere. If there's anything major I've lost in this ordeal, that is it. I have trust in no human being.

In the end, I realize that nothing mattered to that one person.

-Anthony (DN)

So... here's a quick breakdown of recent happenings... I'm registered at UMSL now and my classes are ready to go. My major has been switched to studio art and I'm working to earn a certificate of photographic studies... What's more, I'm debating on transferring to Webster University if I can... If I can't, I'm holding out and waiting to send off a portfolio to the Toronto Institute of Art to try and earn a degree there after my bachelor's. I figure an amazing school isn't important for my bachelor's degree really... It's more important for a masters (should I decide to go for that) or a professional degree. Do you really care my life for the time being though? Didn't think so.

Here are more recent matters... I'm typing from my brand spankin' new laptop for one. Got an Acer Aspire One netbook... 8.9" screen. For the sake of storing digital work of mine, I'd have loved a Sony Vaio netbook... but I didn't exactly have $900 to spare. After I give this thing a few upgrades though it'll be pretty well all that I need for class. Just a transfer tool for my main desktop.

Going on vacation next week to Florida and I'm getting myself a new camera while I'm there. Lookin at the Canon EOS Digital Rebel XSi... Affordable (enough), plenty of accessories, amazing resolution... good stuff. I'd still prefer a Nikon as it's my usual brand, but hey... I'll just look forward to trying something new. With all this being said though... expect some fresh work from me throughout the next few months. It's been awhile since I've updated the ole gallery and I've got plans to perhaps purchase some on site advertising once I've bulked things up a bit... I'd like to be able to make some level of profit off of prints and whatnot. But wouldn't we all? I'm looking into freelance jobs in any case.

That's me in a nutshell right now... All negative things aside (which is some heavy stuff). Hopefully I'll be back on my feet soon. Love ya all.

-DN

Sooo... I picked up a stray cat today. Well, let me start from the beginning! I was on my way to the high school from MAC (about a 10 minute drive on traffic filled days like these) and I passed by a car wash in Maple Valley Center with a big sign outside that said, "ITS TIME". The sign had one of those built in arrows and it was pointing toward the car wash. A storm was brewing as well and dark clouds were everywhere. I decided I wanted to take a picture of it... but FIRST I needed to run to the high school. So I took care of that as quickly as I could and headed home to pick up my camera.

On my way back out to the sign it started raining... And I saw a lone black cat sitting out on the side of the road under a tree. So I pulled over and got him to come into my car and we drove around for awhile in the rain, listening to music together. Finally, one it had died down enough, we went out to the car wash and he sat in the car while I took some pictures of the sign. I wanted to get him in some of the pictures as well, but he wouldn't come out into the rain again. I figured that I sign I should respect his privacy and I didn't take any pictures of him at all. Although I wish I would have.

See, after taking pictures we went to Jack n the Box. I parked close enough to the door so he hopped out and walked in with me and we got tacos. :] I bought him one and he munched on it in the passenger seat while we drove around some more. Finally I got back to the street I found him on and pulled over as he was looking out the window. I reached over and opened the door and he ran straight up to the nearest house where his apparent owners let him in. So he wasn't stray actually... but he certainly acted like one! Anyway, I'll never know his actual name so I called him Jackie Maple all day, because we hung out in Maple Valley Center and went to Jack n the Box. One of the best afternoons ever.

This journal is for Jack. <3

Alright, so I need 240 hours for a 100%... I have 76 hours presently which is a 32%... I'm getting 15 hours this coming week and worked 3 hours last week. 18+76=94 which is a 39%. Pretty consistently going to gain about 17 hours a week... 94+17=111 (46%)... 111+17=128 (53%)... 128+17=145 (60%)... 145+17=162 (68%... passing). So I'll be passing work experience in about four weeks. Woot... Then in a full six weeks I'll have a C. That's give or take, as well... so who knows. In any case, I should pass.

Another thought... $100 + $50 = $150. In three weeks I can afford a plane ticket. In four weeks I can afford two weeks "rent" and a prom ticket. In five weeks I start saving money. In six weeks I have enough to save and buy shit on my trip. In seven weeks I have a sixth week on steroids (my financial situation, not me). In eight weeks (presumably) I leave on my trip. In nine weeks I'm in the middle of my trip (presumably). In ten weeks I leave for home (presumably). In eleven weeks, I sell out to corporate America (also, presumably)

All these numbers are subject to change depending on prom dates and changes in work schedule. Also subject to change according to what my manager says I can take off for this summer. After June, all this numbers become obsolete. We convert from a balanced system to mercantilism and prep to move to the city... hopefully purchasing a DSLR in the process. In August it's back to being challenged by school for the first time in many many years.

In September I start complaining about stress. In October I go out of my mind. In November I die of anticipation. In December I resurrect for another trip. In January I turn 19... probably the most anti-climactic age in life... Unless you're from British Columbia, Saskatchewan, Ontario, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, Newfoundland and Labrador, Yukon, Northwest Territories, or Nunavut (Wikipedia). In February I'm back to slowly descending into my stress... In March I make another trip... In April I'm stressed... In May I'm super stressed... In June I'm chilling out until my visitor (hopefully) arrives. July and August will be off and on classes, otherwise pure bliss. Everything beyond that is out of my hands, presently. Either I do what I want and move, or I stay in St. Louis and finish my degree across ONE LAST SEMESTER. -_-

Did I mention I'm changing my major from psychology to photography? Yep. I don't care about the pay cut. I'm going to own a studio and a cafe and love my life. I'm going to marry some crazy Canadian chick one day, we'll move to Europe and establish our studio and cafe together; getting by by taking pictures on a regular basis and consuming all the coffee we can drink. I'll probably buy a citar and start an all acoustic strings band in which I play citar and Mongolian throat sing while accompanied by a lute a classical guitar. Once we've saved the money, my wife and me will move into a townhouse in downtown Stockholm (probably in our 30s or 40s... no kids...) and rent out a room or two to drifters that are passing through while still managing our studio and cafe. We'll grow old together, traveling the world and whatnot and die two very happy people without regret.

So..... That's the tentative schedule for the next fifty or sixty years. Always subject to change. Might be a snow day or two... but no worries... we've got some built into the system so we don't have to work into the summer. What's on the menu?

Cell phone bill: $40 per month
Car payments and insurance: $300ish per month
Rent: $500ish?
Groceries: Ramen
Gas: *note to self: buy a smart car*

Try to make $1000 a month at least. Work some dead end factory job... making diapers.

Tuition will be paid for by the attended institution, thank you very much. Textbooks and supplies will be paid for by the government (don't let me down, Obama).

Health insurance........ Just check the box next to 'no' and don't go out at night.

Still contemplating buying that inflatable sex doll... Meh, save for concerts and food instead.

The next goal... aside from graduating... Catch all 493 pokemon on the platinum version. Get real buddy buddy with hardcore gamers across the net for sake of trades and shit.

Don't smoke that, Mary-Jane!

(it's too expensive)

I really want to go down to the riverfront and smoke a cigar, but I'm afraid if I drop it the whole Mississippi will go up in flames.

Einstein's.... amazing bagels.

Better than St. Louis Bread Company.

I'm really cold right now and I need to sleep because I have to work tomorrow...

Come to think of it... I also have school tomorrow.

I also need to pick up a check so I can get some money in the bank.

Does plagiarizing a paper for a friend count toward work experience hours?

I miss thinking I was good at bass guitar.

I miss Erikka...

Should I major in studio art or general fine arts?

What the hell can I do with a degree in either of those areas?

Don't say teach.

There better not be a draft... I hate being 18.

I wish the Army/Marines/Navy would stop sending me recruiting bullshit in the mail. I hate my country. I don't want to die for it.

I hope my tuition gets paid soon. Anybody have $900?

Seriously. If it's not paid I flunk out of high school. If that happens I have to change my entire schedule.

Yes, I'd also have to change the menu.

I think I'm dumb.

I need to take something to deaden my emotions.

Can I have just one good day?

Seth Rogan is NOT funny.

I'm a moderator on www.flashplayer.com/forum Check it.

You don't have to join. I don't care about hits or anything like that. Just check it out. I've got cool orange font for my username.

I'm not going to tell you my username though.

Yeah, yeah, yeahhhh...

I love this song.

I like black metal AND Linkin Park... the fuck?

Dude... I forgot until now that I have to go to prom on April 18th. No, not the aforementioned prom... but like... MY prom.

Anybody have a green frock coat they want to sell?

My grandpa, whom was a diehard Republican, voted for Clinton.

Did you know Clinton's administration established the largest economic surplus in decades?

What the hell is up with this recession then?

I think I'm just going to stay up until tomorrow night...

Then again, I might fall asleep at work if I do that.

I wish it was Saturday.

All the new episodes on Adult Swim tonight just sucked.

I'm really not happy right now...

Anyway, I was just thinking aloud... goodnight.

"I woke up this mornin', feelin' round for my shoes
Know by that I got these old walkin' blues, well
Woke this mornin' feelin' round for my shoes
But you know by that, I got these old walkin' blues

Lord I feel like blowin' my old lonesome horn
Got up this mornin', my little Bernice was gone, Lord
I feel like blowin' my lonesome horn
Well I got up this mornin', whoa all I had was gone

Well, leave this mornin' if I have to, ride the blinds
I feel mistreated, and I don't mind dyin'
Leavin' this mornin', if I have to ride the blind
Babe, I've been mistreated, baby and I don't mind dyin'

Well, some people tell me that the worried blues ain't bad
Worst old feelin' I most ever had
Some people tell me that these old worried old blues ain't bad
It's the worst old feelin', I most ever had

She's got a elgin movement from her head down to her toes
Break in on a dollar most anywhere she goes
Ooh, from her head down to her toes
Lord, she break in on a dollar, most anywhere she goes"
-Robert Johnson (I want to die just like him... disappear at a very young age...)

-DN

So, I guess it's about time I posted an update here. Things have been so out of place recently that it's really hard to pin point a mood... It was down, up, way down... down down down down... up for a bit... down down... up... and they've hit a new low this evening. -_- *sigh*

I have a lot to do this week. I have about 18 drawings to complete in my sketch book for my drawing class. I need to present a few ideas for the upcoming art show... I have a performance in drama due tomorrow... Speech to give in public speaking on Thursday... two days of homework to make up for. Essays essays essays (story of my life...) and I'm juggling evening sociology and photography ordeals amongst that. The pros of all this work: My dA gallery should see a nice expansion on the way... Photography, drawings, AND writing. Also getting a lot of difficult things out of the way. Cons: Everything else about the situation. So much damn work, I need a fucking job which will wear me down further... I'm getting little sleep, things are getting better briefly just to get bad again. -_- Oh, did I mention I potentially have mononucleosis?

Well, we're hoping that's strep. But we shall see. I'll try to have something more positive to put out there next time. I wrote a big ass entry in my personal journal (the one only my own eyes see) and this all pales in comparison. Had a little more to get off my chest was all. Thanks for listening in.

-Anthony

The last update really wasn't a long time ago, I know. But it feels like much has happened since then. Well... feels like it's been a long time, I suppose I should say. I suppose deviantart has come to be my favourite place to put my life updates. It's not that there are people here I want to specifically share things with... It's not like dA is some overwhelming, understanding, comfortable place... No... Far too big for that. How many members are there, really? Around 7 million or so, correct? Very impressive for such a specialist website... All about art.

It's like a city. It's like a place where people come  and meet to talk... to buy and sell... to entertain... to break the law... the enforce law... to show off... to complain... I'm really rambling without a cause here. I don't have a resolution to all I'm saying right now. I think... despite my pathetically small and unnoticed gallery... and despite my just mediocre artistic abilities... I think I've taken more out of this website than most members. I think I frequent it more than many. I think I owe it more than so very many. I don't think I've ever really mentioned to anybody or regarded to myself at all exactly how I found this place. Exactly how I established what I have.

I've been an internet deviant in general far longer than I've been a member of deviantart. Granted, I've been a deviant of art since long before this website was even established... August 7th, 2000 for those who don't know. Hell, I've been drawing and loving art since before Dmusic was even around; 1997. Drawing became writing... writing became stories and poetry and walked me right into the close circle of friends I have. Art made me who I am. Music... literature... acting... every wing and every aspect of what art is. It all contributed somehow or another.

I digress though, as that's not the main topic here. How I discovered deviantart... Well, the site I'd previously frequented before dA (though Side7 gave me the first link I ever saw to this place, I didn't join from there) was a little website called flashplayer.com (formerly...). As a younger member there I made hand fulls of friends, involved myself in a bit of controversy and even upheld a rule or two. Well, a friend of mine named David in August of 2005 linked me here in one way or another... I don't recall exactly how. I'd viewed a few galleries and became quite intent on establishing myself a newest artist here. It's that anti-climactic.

Following my registration I made a few friends almost right away... There was Melanie, a few flashplayer members, a handful of others I've since forgotten... And, of course, Erikka. This was all in my first breath of deviantart. During these months I didn't really do much in the way of art, and rather got to know people. I enjoyed the forums from time to time... I got closer and closer with Erikka, eventually developing into a quick relationship. That relationship had ironically led to my final days here for that first wind. I'd been going through a lot in my real life... I didn't really know what I wanted and everything seemed wrong. I abruptly and horribly left Erikka at the time and slowly pulled away from deviantart... Stopping in maybe two times over 2006 overall. No journals exist from that time... Not from me. My internet life had essentially become a nuisance... absolutely nothing to me anymore. Being the trendy fellow I was, I joined myspace and facebook and all that of course... But it was my time being a human being away from my computer. Something I'd long deprived myself of.

At about the end of 2006... The later half in general when school had really started to kick in once more. My sophomore year of high school... I started appearing far more frequently online. All websites... all on msn.... I started making new friends online again while keeping my real life healthy and apart from it all. As the time progressed the two lives became somewhat intertwined and they've remained healthfully balanced since. I turned 16 January of 2007 and quickly got my driver's license... Putting a little more emphasis on my real life issues. Life aside from the internet, that is. I believe March is when it came crashing down... I remembered the internet again when my friend offline was killed in a car accident... A very good friend of mine. One of the most persistent and strongest people I ever knew. The reason I chose to become more a fighter as I am today...

So I was back online frequently again in March of 2007. This dragged into early April 2007 when I found myself just randomly contacting Erikka for the first time in about a year over msn. We quickly found ourselves together again (with a bit of a mishap in May that we made it through together) and I made my return to deviantart... 2nd wind, I suppose. It was just a clump of peppered appearances here and there... a few journals... a few lyric submissions... Eventually, however I did find myself full time here again. I was drawing again, writing again... uploading... I even took up photography with a bit more gusto. I was trying... for the first time in so long I had motivation again. I wanted to do something... I wanted to be called an artistic person. I wanted to be around to discuss it all with the love of my life, Erikka. Everything... frankly became perfect. It never interfered with what I have in my offline life. I'm closer to my friends than ever... At the same time I'm balancing this life online and this extended wing of perfection with Erikka.

It takes looking back on things sometimes.... Giving all that you've really worked for and attempted and gained its attention again. Right where I'm standing... it's no different from the perfection of April 2007. It is the same life... The same atmosphere. I can breathe and it all tastes and feels the same. The difference is only myself. I think I've become a more aware and appreciative person. I think I've learned after so long how to handle situations with more fortitude... Being able to see all the options. And I owe a lot of it to this very website.

I lot of people say the internet world is just corrupt and insane... They say it's foolish to take some things online so seriously. Why though? Is it because they see it of only a source of reference and jokes? A place of petty communication with people you could just go out and enjoy the presence of? It is more than that... Isn't it what peace has wanted for so long? Isn't it just another step toward what so many people want? It connects the entire fucking world! I could speak to somebody in the middle of bloody China with a few clicks. In a heartbeat I could send a million copies of a message to a million different people around the globe. They could all potentially read it at the very same moment and respond just as quickly... a million messages returning at once... Of course... with the creation of these perks, people must come up with reasoning for its flaws and the foolish aspects of considering internet time a part of life. Is it not in the eyes of the beholder? I've met the most wonderful girl in my life here... Right here, on this page this journal is coming up on. I've discovered new found motivation... I've made so many friends... learned so many things... All things that would not be a part of me without the internet. Without devianart... I can admit it... I'd be such a different person.

It's summer... time to sit alone and think... And I've thought very well. I thank you deviantart... I thank the people I've met here... Erikka... I thank you. I love you. And let this second wind continue to ride for so much longer. DivineNightmare ~2005-

I hope to learn and gain more over the times I'll keep having here.

-Anthony xXxacd

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Something I've never done before...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MY lovely:
~Down-On-Paper
~XxXCold-InsanityXxX
~LinkinParkroxmasox

My bestest friends:
~AlmightyDavid
~Broken-Perfection
~deciduousxdreams
~rainboo
~love-on-the-rocks
~showmetheway

The rest of ya! The lovely and talented:



    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
That... Looks.... RAD!

It's been awhile since I've updated this thing... So why not? Now's probably the best time, after all. I've been rather sick lately... Eh... VERY sick. Still quite sick. It's a good time thought because I just got off my meds today (which was high doses of cortisone; A STEROID). This is a good thing because I haven't been much myself as of late. Very moody, very uncomfortable, very jittery. Nobody got it. *shrug*

Anyway, I've been updating my gallery somewhat regularly, at least, in case that had gone unnoticed. I'd appreciate any comments. Comments over favourites, I'd say. :] It's not really shameful advertisement when I'm advertising from my own profile, after all.

So, Anthony's off his meds and how is he feeling? Well, not incredibly sick anymore. My flared allergies have definitely gone down, but pneumonia itself doesn't fade off just like that. In terms of my mood, well... Quite glad today was my last day of school. I feel like I left so many things undone, but everything is passed and that's always what I end up caring about most in the end. It hasn't been an easy time running completing my semester... Frankly, nobody's done much to back me on that even, ehhhh... But hey, that's what the mood update it all about. Crystal walls, because I can see clearly through them now. I haven't felt so very like myself in months months months MONTHS. Sadly, returning myself I can see clearly all that's wrong. Unfortunate. So it's me, but it's me being depressed.

Aha. No need to spill myself to you though, dA. Nobody's here to help me. Just keep evaluating furry porn and hentai. OPE. Well, I hope everybody is doing better than me. I've got a long, lonely week ahead of me. I'll try to whip up some sort of drawing or something, I suppose. Later all.

-xXxacd

Ever get to that point? I've been uncaring for so long that I feel like it's time to care. Well, if you didn't notice, I post-poned my art show entry to do my self-portrait. Went over alright. My family likes it, but they like everything I do. If encouragement was all it took... I'd be the greatest artist on earth. Ahaha.

Sadly though, I'm terrible... And furthermore, some heavy shit's been goin down lately. Lotta thinkin in my life. Thinking... planning... Always making plans. Bunch of snow days, bunch of video games. Oh, I've compiled a list of my scariest video games... From least scary to scariest... Fatal Frame, Fatal Frame II: Crimson Butterfly, Silent Hill 3, Silent Hill 4, Silent Hill 2. Damn straight. Dunno what the point of that was... Been playing Silent Hill 4, Kingdom Hearts II, Final Fantasy XII, and a little Black. That's been my life as of late.

OH GOD HE KILLED THE YOUNGLINGS! Anyway... My family has gone mad, but they're going back to the good ole days. Back to accepting that we hate half of each other, but we're going to get along on Thanksgiving and Christmas anyway, because damn it, we're family and we're..... German. So let's have a good time! Right? I can elaborate on that later. So meh. Still have my art show entry to work on... I can either do that or sleep... it's almost 7am... So it won't make a difference either way. I'm leaving now regardless to watch Master Kenobi chop off Vader's legs. Fuck yeah. MUSTAFAR! FUCK YEAH! Night night.

-Ant

I've been in a frontward mood at school and a quiet mood online. Fix it? Nahhh... not the school thing anyway. Today after my seminar teacher told me to read I totally exploded in her face about everything was too routine and annoying and WE ALL WORK AND WORK AND READ AND DO WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE TELLS US IS RIGHT UNTIL WE DIE!!!! And I was pulling on my hair and gettin really into it... Then bam, miraculously... I got away with sitting there. See, this was my argument... We all ACT... we DO... we read, we work, we're constantly in a state of action through school, work, chores, stupid bs! Can't we get a little fucking time to just THINK?! Ya know... Actually contemplate what we're doing and slow it the hell down? That'd be nice, but apparently out of the question.

So about art... fart... Yep. Bout it. I'm getting sick of photography. The lunar eclipse I think can be called the peak of it and I'll put away the cameras for awhile... I've been doodling more and more everyday anyway and I might upload a few of em as scraps... I don't know when I'll start my next project though. I've a lot of ideas and little to no motivation. Not to mention I just get bloody frustrated when I try new shit. >/

But anyway... I'm probably going to start work on my deviant ID sometime soon... AFTER I finish my entry into the upcoming art show... Damn... That's in April. Feels like just yesterday I was saying, "PSHT! IT'S NOT UNTIL APRIL! PLENTY O TIME!" Well, Anthony... February is almost over and March is full of standardized testing and breaks, among other things. So it's time to get yo ass to work! I have the drawing finished anyway... I just need to detail it... But I need red charcoal for that, and sadly.. I have none. I have rusty coloured conte... but charcoal gives that rough look this bit needs! I NEED CHARCOAL! DONATE YOUR CHARCOAL! REVERSE PRESSURIZE ALL YOUR DIAMONDS! But after that I'll start my deviant ID. Grandiose. That was easier than I thought it'd be... I needed to write it out to see how simple it is I guess.

School continues to bamboozle me... Snow days constantly, which is grand! Anything to get out of school, ya know? But why at the end of a grading period...? I have shit to do!! My dad will just have to smile and bear it when my grade card comes in I suppose. There's going to be a big ugly F right next to college math analysis... Because I have a test I have to make up from being sick!!! And snow days haven't given me a chance! But oh well. I've a slightly reasonable excuse, being sick and all. Though I could've taken that test today... hmmmm.... That aside... I've an A in psychology, an A in history, and I got an 80% on my last Biology test... sooooooooo... My hardest classes, save math analysis, seem to be going well.

Writing songs again too... Hm. What else can I mention? AH! I'm stuck on Demyx on Kingdom Hearts II... I murdered every aspect of that game and kicked heavy ass on standard mode... Now I'm stuck on proud mode. I'll be gritting my teeth over that until I beat it. Geesh... don't even wanna imagine Xaldin on proud mode. OR Xigbar for that matter. Fuck it though. You readers have no clue what I'm talking about so I'll move on.

My beard is long, my hair is long, my body is SHORT.... I looked fuckin sexy the other day. Heck yes. Didn't look sexy today cuz I had to take my damn sister to school and didn't have time to fuck wit my hair. Isn't all this INTERESTING?!?!?!?!?

I'm done. I drew a self-portrait today. That's the last thing I'll say. Was good and abstract. I'll jack it off Shawn one of these days, cuz I drew it in his sketch book. Later homies.

-Ant

P.S. I'm not really high.... I just feel fucking wasted off my ass for some reason. Hm...

Hola dA... How the holy high hell is everybody? I'm bored, so I'm posting an entry that only about two people are gunna read. THAT'S PROGRESS THOUGH! Not long ago I would've said, "Nobody's gunna read this shit..." Anyway.... January 1st has come and gone... School is getting ready to kick my ass again and I'm trying to chillax for once in my life! Bought some new CDs recently with a bit of Christmas money... Creedence Clearwater Revival great- My brother just fell out of bed upstairs... Anyway... Creedence greatest hits... Demon Hunter's latest album... Storm the Gates of Hell... And the crown jewel... Colours by Between the Buried and Me. The crown jewel because I orgasmed AT LEAST three times just throughout the intro. Check it sometime if you haven't yet. I know I'm late picking it up.

I daresay... The "lazy" emoticon looks like it's a smiley getting a blow job at first glance... See that? Fascinating shit going on here! Yes, I'm tired. I wanna drawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.... But I'm too sleepy... I just got done with sumthin... The First Fantasy dealio... Check it out... It's adequately rad... I guess. I hadn't inked anything in a long time.

What else have I to say? Oh yes... Erikka's ungodly incredible and I love her to death. That should go without saying though. I threw a bunch of firecrackers in an old abandon house for New Years! It looked like a gun fight!!! OMG! Not to mention I walked over a mile uphill just to climb a massive rock in the middle of the woods so I could get cell phone service to call Canada. Bwahaha. It was AT LEAST several hundred degrees below freezing temp and the wind was blowing like crazy. Amazing view though.

That's about it though.... I think I'm getting a cello for my birthday... Love you all so much. Later.

-Ant

Who wants to take a crack at me first? I'm ready to die. Suffer... BE GONE! Let's see... school's fuckin me over. My artwork (if you really want to call it that) sucks. Everything is going WRONG. AND NOBODY'S LISTENING!

Pretty much. I think I'd drop out of high school if I didn't have so much riding on it. I think I'd quit everything. I lack all motivation to do anything and when I ever do get motivation for something... It simply fucks up. In my gallery lies 19 instances of motivation that, at the time, seemed amazing to me, but inevitably ended up being failures. I need to gut my gallery and destroy those pieces. They so painfully suck.

What else in on my mind...? Christmas? Unfortunately, yes... And I want it to go away. I don't want to think about it and I don't it to come. No more about Christmas or the holiday season, because I'll never enjoy it again.

Now... something positive... positive... Erikka the magnificent is about it at the moment. OI! But she isn't home right now... so the IDEA of Erikka is positive CURRENTLY. The idea of Erikka is bringing about the ideas of Christmas as well though which is bringing out other negative things that I want to GO AWAY. The idea at face value is wonderful though. :]

So, I needed to write something and there it is. It'd been awhile since my last entry anyway. Whatevah. Later friends, I guess.

-Ant